While much of the federal market is abuzz with cybersecurity and hi-tech solutions, the Department of Homeland Security is taking a new, low-tech approach to augment its existing Continuous Diagnostics Monitoring (CDM) mission.  “It is precisely because CDM is so important that we are bringing in the nuns”, said DHS spokesperson Eve Arden.  “The sisters have shown unique resilience and the ability to watch everything all at once,” she added.  DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas directly approved of the initiative stating, “I remember when I was in Catholic school.  We had a student who spraypainted “Sister Mary is a slavedriver” on our rock.  They had him locked up by lunch.” Sister Mary Johnmarie of the Sisters of Notre Dame will lead the DHS project.  Sister stated “We not only know where you are, we know what you’re thinking and that you need to go to confession right now.  Our over 50 years of experience in watching every move of elementary school students has prepared us well for the task of helping DHS with their CDM requirements.  In fact, we anticipate that this will be far easier than teaching catechism to 7^th graders.”  The nuns also have considerable diagnostic experience since they routinely administer approximately 3,000 tests per student per year.  They are also adept at solving problems.  One commenter who preferred to remain anonymous said “I had a problem at home with my mother drinking and my father chasing nuns.  Sister Johnmarie was able to help.”  The move to bring in the nuns reportedly caught US adversaries off guard.  NSA intercepts from an unconfirmed source reportedly said “DHS didn’t have a prayer before, but now they have a heavenly hotline.”